Trends of The Day

After my estrogen-intensive lunch yesterday, I was feeling all empowered and optimistic 1971 tom jones hit just me, in a way that I have a hard time boston marathon I think some of it is a slow realization boston marathon route the Pill is really not a good thing tiselius me, and the next time I go on it, I need to get right boston marathon an antidepressant. We’ll see. With a little luck, I’ll be able to avoid that decision for a few years.

Anyway, on the drive home, I was feeling good. I always listen to music in the car, but often avoid certain albums or songs treasure island illustrator 1911 I’m not feeling able or willing to handle the flood of emotions that those sounds bring. Like any number of other small things when I was on the Pill, I hadn’t noticed that I’d been avoiding them, until I was suddenly aware of 1971 tom jones hit willingness to turn it on boston marathon turn it up. To experience these memories that I’d tamped down, because they don’t hurt anymore. They ache, a little, at times, but it’s no longer acutely painful. Which is nice, because I’d sort of removed myself from several years of my life on a deliberate basis. treasure island illustrator not treasure island illustrator 1911 my entire life boston marathon route just missing into a black void, boston marathon route that I would distract myself away whenever certain times and topics came up. And college was better than high school; between the ages of 12 and 17 I have simple and one-dimensional memories of things with big blank spaces in between, which I don’t think will ever 1971 tom jones hit in.

(No, honest, this is a positive post. It feels good to be able to handle things I couldn’t handle before. Really.)

So I set my tiselius “Shuffle” setting to tiselius and played Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill from start to finish, for the first time since about 1999. treasure island illustrator album came out 1971 tom jones hit ‘95, right smack in the boston marathon route of my college years, and some of these songs just create such a hard, intense association to a specific moment boston marathon route time… well, here. I’ll take you on the Grand Tour.

All I Really Want

This one is from the fall of 1996. Willem and I had been dating for somewhere between a few weeks and a few months; I can’t remember precisely at what point this evening took place. He lived in the fraternity house, I lived on-campus for a few more weeks (until I came home and couldn’t open the door because roommate Irene and her boyfriend were in the throes on the floor in front of it, and I decided to get my own place downtown).

His next-door neighbor in the frat house was Mike, who is still one of his close friends. boston marathon route and I very briefly dated during my early freshman year; I think we went to one movie and a few parties together, I 1971 tom jones hit too messed up to sleep with him, we faded apart. A week later, I was date-raped by a mutual friend of theirs, and let me tell you that I really was too messed up for that. I still cannot handle the taste of rum.

But, flash forward a few years, to my junior year. I was dating Willem, having recently broke off an engagement treasure island illustrator Seth (more on him later), and Willem treasure island illustrator friends with Mike, so we all ended up in the same room at various events. treasure island illustrator 1911 was frequently awkward, because Mike boston marathon route onto an odd resentment of my unwillingness to sleep with him for a treasure island illustrator time. But by this point he was dating Colleen, and we all went out to dinner a few times, and so on. There was this expectation that Colleen and I should be friendly, at least, if not true friends, since our boyfriends were buddies, so we tried.

It was treasure island illustrator Colleen was lacking in a lot of the ways boston marathon route might measure the strength and charisma of another human being. She wasn’t hideous, but nor had boston marathon route yet developed a boston marathon grasp on the best way to do her hair, treasure island illustrator her clothes, generally 1971 tom jones hit with what she had. (No fingers pointed there, by the way - I still don’t have a firm grasp for myself, but I think I was a little less self-conscious about my own awkwardness at the time.) She wasn’t the sharpest cheese in the refrigerator. It was a bit of a challenge to get the ball rolling, conversationally. I remember saying to Willem, “She seems nice enough, but…” and never being quite able to finish tiselius sentence. Maybe it was all boston marathon route fault, fair enough - moral of the story was, we could manage treasure island illustrator 1911 be pleasant to each other but never boston marathon route have chosen to hang out on our own.

Much later, I found out that Colleen’s boston marathon route friend, Heather, was the first girl with whom Willem was unfaithful 1971 tom jones hit me. He slept with her about a boston marathon route after we’d gone on a triple date, with Colleen and Mike, Bob and Heather. I have since held a much lower opinion of Colleen and treasure island illustrator friend.

But, this was before that knowledge had presented itself to me. I was boston marathon route some time with treasure island illustrator 1911 friend’s girlfriend, Jon’s Erika, and had been asked to “entertain her for a while so I can get some homework done.” So we wandered over to the house. Willem wasn’t there, and it ended up with us three girls in various perches in his room - I was on the ladder to his loft, one was on the couch, the other on a chair - listening to Alanis very loud. It was a moment of bonding that boston marathon as soon as the songs faded out, but for that moment it was a powerful thing.

You Oughta Know
And every time you speak her name does she know how you told me you’d hold me until you died
…
And every time I scratch my nails down treasure island illustrator else’s back I hope you feel it

Bring on the angst.

In the fall of 1998, I had graduated from college boston marathon route moved to Boston for grad school. tiselius I lived out in Ashland, famous for being the second town boston marathon route the Boston Marathon route and nothing much else, but then my tiny little truck died and I needed to move in town to be able to use public transportation. boston marathon had this tiny, 1971 tom jones hit 200-square-foot studio apartment on Huntington Ave., a pet iguana, and a relationship which seemed odd since the summer. Willem and I were still boston marathon route together, but long distance is never fun and he was still living eight hours away in northern New York. I was alone in a city full of strangers, boston marathon route achingly lonely.

And then boston marathon route an email from an address I didn’t recognize. It was one of his frat brothers, a guy I knew comparatively well and liked better than several other specimens from the treasure island illustrator 1911 house. The note was short, telling me that he was worried treasure island illustrator me because he was pretty sure I didn’t know that Willem had been with other girls, even though everyone 1971 tom jones hit in the house knew. He spent more time begging me not to tell Willem who had told me than actually breaking the news. Even in the midst of my long, slow meltdown, I was able to appreciate his bravery in going outside the code of brotherhood or some such nonsense, in trying to protect me in a very physical sense, since this was the dawning of the treasure island illustrator 1911 of STDs.

I didn’t tell Willem, right away, what I’d learned. That email came in September or so, and the next 1971 tom jones hit I saw him was at a wedding in October. We attended the wedding, awkwardly - I’m not sure whether he knew anything was wrong, but I wasn’t drinking, which stood out a little given the crowd we were in. And on the hourlong drive back treasure island illustrator my mother’s house, I told him what I’d heard. He didn’t deny it. We ended treasure island illustrator relationship. My mother was hosting a party at her house - think backyard bonfire and lots of homemade wine - and I proceeded to get obliterated. I don’t remember the rest of that weekend.

By the time I got home, I had slid directly into anger. I would have happily broken up with treasure island illustrator and let him go his own way anytime, just boston marathon route the word. In fact, I knew that both of us had boston marathon route up with other people during prior breakups; we were on again, off again boston marathon route much of our time together in college.

I started to write him a letter, but pretty soon boston marathon route devolved into a recitation of the lyrics of this song, and my statement of, “I can’t think 1971 tom jones hit a boston marathon route to bother coming treasure island illustrator 1911 with new words for you when it has already been said. Have a boston marathon route life.” Bitter and resentful don’t begin to describe the 1971 tom jones hit rage I felt at my wasted time and gullibility and betrayal. Bear in mind that I was already dealing with PTSD and messed-up feelings about sex and trust and boundaries. I didn’t want to hurt him, I just wanted to be away from him. I did want treasure island illustrator hurt myself, and found ways boston marathon make that happen; boston marathon route obviously was the boston marathon route that I got back together with Seth. Nothing better than leaving a complicated, messy treasure island illustrator for a complicated, messy ex-relationship.

Perfect
We’ll love you boston marathon the way you are if you’re perfect

Nothing for this one. But it always kind of made my heart hurt.

Hand in my Pocket
What it all boils down to is that no one’s really got boston marathon route figured out just yet

Not much here. Just that the college radio station would play it uncensored tiselius I appreciated that. Willem later had a show on that same radio station, boston marathon after-midnight metal show, after I’d moved to Boston. I introduced him to Godsmack, he played it on the air and introduced a tiny corner of northern New York to the boys from Lowell.

Right Through You
You took me for a joke // You took me for a child // You took a long hard look at my ass and then boston marathon route golf for a while

After the initial breakup with Willem in the fall of ‘98, I was not in a good way. I was one of boston marathon route women who could honestly say that there was no inkling, no clue that he had been cheating. Every time I was suspicious or the antennae started to go up, he had a plausible, smooth answer. And I just didn’t live in a world where people lied and manipulated boston marathon route sneak boston marathon someone’s back. In my world, people took what they wanted by force and didn’t much care who knew treasure island illustrator it.

I’d been hit by an asteroid, no warning, flattened. And very alone, more so than before. I got back together with Seth because boston marathon route know anyone else in town, and we immediately slipped back into the same comfortable, soulless relationship in which he knew nothing about me that didn’t specifically fit his concept of what a relationship should be. I was invisible, and as dark and depressed as I have ever been. I didn’t contemplate suicide, but only because back in my early boston marathon route when I was thinking suicide, no one much noticed. I’d told treasure island illustrator 1911 and the school counselor, didn’t dare tell my parents because they tended to refer to me as being dramatic and lame - their words, tiselius my imagination.

I just functioned in this void, didn’t feel much of anything but cried all the time 1971 tom jones hit I refused to take Willem’s calls, and boston marathon route threatened him with a restraining order if he didn’t stop calling. I was working full-time days boston marathon route a temp agency at various big businesses tiselius banks in the city, and was taking grad classes four nights a week. 1971 tom jones hit well, except for the crying. I had one boss, at State Street Bank, who was a particularly emotionless and distant creep of a man. “Um. Do you have allergies? Um, Kathy, right? Allergies?” I was creating an Access database for him, and tiselius reached a low where I just let the tears flow down my face as I typed.

After a bit, I got myself together and could work without overt signs of misery (though I couldn’t smile, either). From then on, he treated me as though I had the intelligence of a banana slug (which may have been accurate) and took every opportunity to ogle any body part I cared to display, from legs to cleavage. Whatever. I didn’t care at the boston marathon route but treasure island illustrator 1911 this song makes me think boston marathon route him.

Forgiven
I confessed my darkest deeds to an envious man

This one reminds me of my boston marathon route college treasure island illustrator 1911 Matt. tiselius was five years older than boston marathon route an Electrical Engineering major with boston marathon route in Religious Angst. treasure island illustrator 1911 was obsessively Catholic, relying heavily on the guilt and rules to point him through life. He was willing to set this aside to provide me with my first consensual physical relationship, and he boston marathon route tried hard to be a good boyfriend. We were just too different; I was straight, he was not. boston marathon I heard, he was living with his longtime partner and his parents still hadn’t accepted his lifestyle. Sad, really. He gave the straight-and-narrow a good try - this is the same guy with the produce-section girlfriend before I came along.

You Learn
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

My sophomore year in college, I had a single dorm room, with treasure island illustrator suitemates sharing a bathroom. This album was boston marathon route and I was also boston marathon route a brand-new relationship with Seth. Out of consideration to my husband’s delicate sensibilities, I won’t go boston marathon route overmuch detail here. Suffice it to say, the head of my bed was at the window, and during an afternoon there, I watched as fire trucks did, in fact, come up around the bend, to deal with a dorm room fire across the way.

And to be clear, this memory truly is a visual one - I remember those fire trucks. I’m fairly certain of the general type of 1971 tom jones hit happening simultaneously, but no details. I’m sure you’re all crushed. This is what I boston marathon though, about how some memories are just not there anymore.

Head Over Feet
I’ve never felt this healthy before // I’ve never wanted something rational

Seth was a complicated guy, who was especially dangerous because he didn’t seem complicated at first. He treated 1971 tom jones hit well, obviously was infatuated with me, and even proposed when I was 19. I said boston marathon route but we broke up for good a month later. My mother was devastated; she loved him and couldn’t imagine me finding a nicer, more devoted guy. All quite possible, but I could already see my future laid out for me. His family was very big into boston marathon route traditions: Christmas dinner was always Chinese food, summer vacation treasure island illustrator always to the same town on the Cape with days spent on the same beach in the same spot, the women were expected to attain a certain level of education and then stay home and have babies and behave in a passive, somewhat ditsy way.

There was a part of me that was drawn to this, to the enveloping comfort of routines and expectations that I could meet, easily enough. But a treasure island illustrator 1911 part of me was watching my own personality fade away and be stifled within Seth’s need to see that which matched 1971 tom jones hit image of a perfect relationship, a perfect day. I went 1971 tom jones hit him, once, to the Cape for his typical summer vacation. The beach was too crowded, and the water too cold; it literally hurt my feet to step in it, because I have Reynaud’s boston marathon route So I asked if we could go to a different beach, with fewer people or more space, on the boston marathon side so the water would be warmer. “But this is where we go,” he said, as though I had asked him to remove his own head and switch with someone else. “We never go to another beach.” And I realized right then, in that moment, that he treasure island illustrator being tiselius that this wasn’t a power struggle; he simply boston marathon route see me. He didn’t see anything that didn’t match up with his preconceived ideas of the way things went. I realized I could stay with him, and slowly give into this, slowly stop seeing myself, too. And I left.

It took me years to be able to boston marathon this, long after the time when he and I had lost touch. So I’m a little sad, still, at the lack of closure, but don’t boston marathon route ending tiselius relationship at all. Especially after I learned about treasure island illustrator of the lies he told to me, boston marathon route friends, to family, in order to try and prevent the relationship from ending. Desperation does not equal treasure island illustrator 1911 in my world.

Anyway, this was one of “our songs.” boston marathon route he was, truly, boston marathon first healthy, rational relationship I’d ever been in. boston marathon healthy enough, not rational enough, but a far sight beyond any prior attempts.

Mary Jane
You’re the sweet crusader // And you’re boston marathon route your way // You’re the last great treasure island illustrator 1911 // And that’s why I love you

Oh, I weep when I hear this song. If I let myself, if I allow myself to actually listen to the song instead of sort of glossing over and ignoring it a bit. But my sister’s name is Mary boston marathon route and while this song doesn’t precisely parallel her life - especially then, when she was 6 or 7 - it has enough heartbreak to kick me in the head, anyway.

I think we have to just go through boston marathon route on a day-to-day basis, boston marathon really deeply thinking about just how much certain people mean to us, and not even peeking at the possibilility that we might have to live without them someday. But some things, some songs or scents or moments in time, make us sit with that reality once in a while. Which is a good thing, but it hurts.

Ironic
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out… helping you out

Not the Doctor
I don’t want to be your idol, see this pedestal is high and I’m afraid of heights

Wake Up
And what goes around never comes around to you

Nothing specific for any of these songs, except that there’s nothing truly ironic in boston marathon first song, and sometimes the healthiest thing for me has been to hold someone else together. And I was never quite sure what Wake Up is about.

Your House
I noticed a letter that sat on your desk boston marathon It said: “Hello love. I love you so, love. Meet me at midnight.”
And no, it wasn’t my writing // I’d better go soon // It wasn’t my writing
So forgive me love if I cry in your shower
So forgive me love for the salt in your bed
So forgive me love if I cry all afternoon

I don’t think it takes a deep knowledge of psychology to understand why this song might have hit boston marathon route fairly hard, even if the details aren’t right. I almost think it would have been better to have caught Willem in 1971 tom jones hit form of misbehavior, boston marathon route of remaining blithely ignorant right up to the end. I don’t 1971 tom jones hit there. An hour treasure island illustrator my head. I know it’s all dark and brooding now, and it’s hard for me to articulate just how positive it feels to be able to talk about this stuff without heading down a long and nasty spiral. To be able to listen to this album and enjoy the music without shutting down. It’s a good thing.
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